MS’s Don Mattrick Banished to Zynga


Rejoice, fellow video game enthusiasts! Let it be known that when you shit on the industry, the industry shits back! Well, sometimes, but definitely this time!

According to various sources,The head of Microsoft’s video game branch, Don Mattrick, has been rumored, and recently confirmed, to be leaving his position of head of the division to take up the big chair at Zynga. One can only imagine the magnitude of “Good. that’s what you get”s from people across the globe. Don Mattrick was the one who okayed various cutting edge policies for the Xbox One, including the “connect to the internet once every 24 hours horse dickery” and “all of this shitty DRM” practices Microsoft so stubbornly stood by before caving.


Catering to casuals and Facebook drones, Zynga is bottom-of-the-barrel in terms of popularity and actually existing in the mainstream video game industry. It feels nice to know that Mattrick is heading for a lead position at Zynga, who’s responsible for churning out most of the casual garbage you see on phones and Facebook these days.¬†Remember, this is the guy who told people who don’t have regular internet access to just buy a Xbox 360.

In his place will be Steve Ballmer, who I will admit I don’t know much about, rendering me unable to say something insulting or witty. You get off lucky this time, Ballmer, but I’ll be watching you.

Mattrick and Zynga; shitty company for a shitty director. Seems fitting. That’s what you get Mattrick. Like a dog that shit on your new rug; just gotta slap it and say “No! Stop ruining my video games! Err, rug!”


Even he knows his life sucks now. He’s trying to hide his embarrassment.


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