Review – Gone Home

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Your family has vanished, but the shitiness stayed behind.

Gone Home is the latest miracle of video games brought unto us mortals by the Fullbright Company for the PC. Gone Home was met with outrageously high scores on release by sites like IGN and Polygon and praised for its artistic puzzle gameplay, and frankly, these scores don’t even come close to the magnificent gem that Fullbright sculpted from the finest foundation. Gone Home is simply a beautiful game that transcends previous expectations set by previous games and rests atop a new throne of video game heaven in all of its divine-

Oh, I’m not being paid for this?

Gone Home is probably the most overhyped piece of shit since The Last of Us, and the fact that Polygon had the nerve to give this game A PERFECT SCORE simply enrages me. For those who don’t know, Gone Home is an first person puzzle game set in a 2spooky4me mansion where you play as a young woman piecing together clues left behind by your now vanished family. Designed to be a story driven game where exposition is revealed through solving puzzles, Gone Home fails in the most important department of video games, which is gameplay, in an attempt to pass off as an emotional deep story telling experience.

Do I hate story telling games? Well, not at all, but the simple point is that I’m playing a video GAME. I’m here for the goddamn gameplay! Sure, other games resemble Gone Home’s puzzle like nature, like the popular game Miasmata for PC, where you explore an island while evading an enigmatic beast. The difference between Miasmata and Gone Home is that Miasmata is actually engaging in the fact that you’re curious as to why you’re on Jurrasic Park from the forgotten circle of Hell, as opposed to Gone Home’s “Huh. Maybe my family moved?” central plot.

And the worst part about this game? Is it the fact that this is some shallow attempt to cover up a bad game with “It’s too artsy for you. You wouldn’t get it” bullshit? No. the real crime here is the fact that people paid the full price for this, which was $20, for a game you can beat in less time than it takes to cook a microwave dinner.

(OMG SPOLIERZ)

There you go. Salisbury and potatoes takes longer to cook than this game takes to beat.

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I’m sorry, but if you bought this and praise it for innovation, you’ve got some serious issues in your priorities, as a shoddy attempt at being deep and emotional isn’t worth $20 and a shitty time. I pirated this game since I was doubtful, and I’m glad I didn’t spend money in this. I went in blind and beat it in an hour and a half, and if I paid full price on this, I’d probably have to kill myself. Twice.

There are games that are considered artistic example that games wish they could achieve, like the frequently brought up Shadow of the Colossus, but Gone Home is probably the biggest sack of shit to occur in quite a while. If I worked at Polygon and didn’t suck the cock of anyone who paid for a good review, it’d get a 4/10 if I was in a good mood.

This game is shit. I’m so mad now.1375079981818

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7 responses to “Review – Gone Home

    • It’s not completely terrible, as the writing is okay, but for $20? I’d rather look at a different game. It’s a good “I have about an hour and a half to burn” kind of games, but it’s really blown out of proportion for its size.

      • Well, I’ve been following Fullbright and Gone Home for a while now. This game really does seem up my alley, but I’m also into adventure games. About the only thing that is preventing me from playing it is the price, because I don’t often see adventure games for over $14 (big fish games). But it looks good. I’ll have to keep watching Steam sales.

        • Miasmata is a good one, too, and it should be pretty cheap these days. Stay away from Dear Esther though; you literally walk through the game to listen to dialogue you can hear on Youtube. Can’t really think of any more games like this at the moment :u

  1. You’re on a roll today–another funny and incisive review. I think you may be going a *little* hard on this, though.

    Before I begin I’ll admit I haven’t played this, so feel free to correct me if any of my analysis is wrong, but a couple of points:

    1: Other (much more highly regarded) games can be beaten in almost equally short amounts of time. For instance, the original Clock Tower can end almost as soon as it begins if you decide to just drive off, but of course you get a bad ending. Is Gone Home the same way, or is the 2 minutes all it takes to get the best (or only) ending?

    2: To be fair, you didn’t say a word about the story. How *is* the story? I mean, maybe if it’s Elmore Leonard (RIP ;_; ) level quality, it may make up for the lack of gameplay, but…then again, I doubt it is. XD

    • But Clock Tower was fun because of multiple endings and suspenseful chases. GH has one that I know of, and I’ve beaten it twice as of now. It gives off a horror vibe, but nothing can harm you or anything, so there’s no actual threat.. The story is tolerable, and it would’ve been fine with good gameplay, but it fell short on both subjects and makes you wish you played somethin else.

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